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I have definitely had a peak and trough week. No violins required but just a brief description of where this is going. I am at a point now that I am wet myself with excitement.

A few weeks ago I was watching the UK Voice TV program and Boy George made a comment on the lines of ‘pursuing music as he was literally unemployable’. That comment stuck with me. I have always wanted to be self-employed  even as a teenager and at that point I had already made that decision to train for something that allows this possibility but it did make me think what is it about me that always goes into a job and shortly after needs to leave? Usually because I cannot tolerate certain types of people and their behaviours.

My first blog posts are about being a child and feeling the freak, the outsider. Having totally different aspirations than my peers. My first project at college where I returned to the class room with a totally different perspective than those peers.

I am at that point again where I am finding it hard to accept certain people’s behaviours and this week I was sat in a room where once again I felt completely alien to the majority of the participants.

On the day I got interviewed for this job I am in now it had a very strange turn of events as it usually does when you make a decision and the Universe conspires. My then boss who I had a good relationship with and who was also unhappy in their role asked me if I was looking for another job? I replied “I thought we all were?” (we, meaning our other colleague we shared the department with). They too then made a comment that stuck with me and has risen many times since “Don’t sell yourself short. You are very intelligent and amazing at what you do. I understand you need to look for a new role but don’t undervalue yourself that’s all I am saying”.

Unbeknown to them I had already turned down an interview for that morning which shortly after I found an email asking was it date and time and they could be flexible and I got interviewed that evening as the interviewers were down from London and had to travel back the following day.

At the time I was looking for a new role I was listening to Louise Hay every morning and I was imagining the types of jobs I would like, little details it would have and I received all of them but I clearly hadn’t thought about it detail enough looking back now and that is why I have often recalled the ‘Don’t under sell yourself comment’. I was so clearly desperate to get away from some of the 1970’s attitudes I was up against I didn’t think it through enough and I take full responsibility for where I currently am but at the same time I know it will be all ok and I constantly thank the lessons and the people I find arbitrary as gifts to ensure I do not stay in a comfort zone and keep moving towards my goals and dreams.

I mentioned that the week has had peaks and it has had a lot of peaks. I have been listening to Bob Proctors Born Rich program on YouTube that I have saved into my account from the Proctor Gallagher Institute channel. I have acquired the companion workbook and inspired by goal cards ordered some sleeves off of eBay of the like to create name badges for businesses etc and downloaded an app that you can add text to and found inspiring background pictures and added the text of my goals. I can now carry these cards everywhere and look at them often.

Last night I was watching the final of The Voice UK when Paloma Faith made an analogy that knocked my socks off. In the trough times I have questioned why do I so often feel the outsider? When I was at college that first project was to go out in to the environment and analyse what we saw and bring it back for a discussion group. As the Tutor went around the group I began to panic inside. I was un-confident and terrified to speak at the best of times but as I listened to my peers give descriptions of the devastation of man I was confused. I saw a different picture. I saw a picture of hope and despite whatever humans throw at the environment it finds a way to break through like moss on street signs and weeds through tarmac and there it was again that look from my peers as I expressed my findings, the outsider again. Eventually my whole finals at University revolved around us constantly rushing around and failing to see the simple beauty in the world and to try to encourage people to take time to stop and see that weed etc and appreciate it.

I have always been drawn to people like Boy George (who I thought had the most gorgeous eyes when I first saw him on Top of The Pops) Will i Am and Paloma Faith and what Paloma said that knocked my socks off was in describing an act that had just sung ‘In life in this concrete juggle we are all rushing through our lives all the time and some times you walk on the pavement and people are stepping over things growing out of the cracks and these things some people think are weeds butI will stop and look at them and think wow nature took over and those are beautiful flowers’ and Paloma felt the artist that had just sung was that beautiful flower sticking out the crack in the pavement.

Shortly after this heart stopping moment Boy George, my teenage hero took the same act to see Cyndi Lauper. I was transported back to being a teenager and reminded how much Cyndi’s song “True Colours’ meant to me as I sat alone in my room night after night.

This morning as I woke, I lay in bed and remembered that thing you have in smart phones where you demand it to do something for you when you are to lazy to use your fingers and stated find me True Colours by Cyndi Lauper. Without my glasses on I tapped at what I thought was True Colours and actually was ‘Time after Time’.

As I listened to the lyrics after such a long time I realised this could be an analogy of the Universe. No matter what you had planned that you didn’t follow through with. No matter where you are or what you are going through –  “If you’re lost, you can look and you will find it. Time after time. If you fall I will catch you. I will be waiting. Time after time.

Realising my accident (or was it) I immediately downloaded “True Colours”

“You with the sad heart don’t be discouraged .It’s hard to take courage in a world full of people you can lose sight of it all and the darkness inside you can make you feel so small but I see your true colors shining through and that’s why I love you so don’t be afraid to let them show”

“If this world makes you crazy and you have taken all you can bear, you call me up because you know I will be there”

Listening to Paloma and Cyndi this is why I got pants wetting excited. When I can’t seem to find the right job, tolerate peoples ugly behaviours, feel like and outsider in a room full of people there is nothing wrong with me I am just in the wrong job for me and in a room of different types of people than myself that is not the right environment to show my true colours and if the decisions I have made in the past haven’t allowed me to show my true colours, it’s OK because the Universe is waiting for me time after time.

So I am calling up the Universe and I know that now I have made a decision it will conspire to make it happen