Just now I literally wanted to burst in to tears because I had a perfect moment.
No I hadn’t won the lottery or been offered a million pound contract to sit at home and blog or, or, or.
I was just reminded that where I am right now is exactly where I am meant to be.
The other day I blogged about wanting to eat a shit sandwich and I nearly blogged a post called “Mind Your Language” and that was completely unrelated to what I am writing here …… or is it?
“Mind Your Language” was inspired about spending the weekend with loved ones and hearing them say habitual negative comments without even knowing but me knowing the power of the Universe and the power of our spoken and unspoken words how dangerous this can be.
Habitual comments about age, habitual self put downs etc.
“What do you expect, that’s bound to happen at my age” Bollocks !!!
“I have a terrible memory, there is nothing I can do about it” Bollocks !!!
“It’s easier to lose weight when you are young and harder when you are older” Bollocks
“Your trouble is you are to fussy, there is no such thing as a perfect relationship, lower your standards” Bollocks. (This wasn’t aimed at me by the way).
Only if you buy into this crap and believe it.
I love my family and extended family but I know at this present moment in time there is no point in trying to explain the power of thought but the worlds coming around. I see evidence every day.
I heard not just once but several times from various different self-aware people “You become the sum of the 5% of the people you surround yourself with” advising to choose careful, be aware of this fact and not get drawn in or distance yourself from negative influences.
Right from the earliest age I felt isolated from my peers etc because I seemed to have different inspirations and aspirations and not much has changed but now we have the luxury of finding our crowd online so it doesn’t bother me what my 5% are because they bring so much more to the party that I love.
However I am still guilty of believing the hype, falling into the old patterns, not minding my language and bringing on a huge shit sandwich in my direction.
It probably started about 3 weeks back now but I wasn’t aware then that this gradual process of letting the negative mind worms gnawing at my brain was happening but the spiral really happened towards the end of last week when I went in to victim mode and joined in the negative party posse conversations.
Was I really expecting things to get better by doing this?
As the anxiety I was putting myself through grew I did try putting sticking plasters on it like listening to Dr Wayne Dyers ‘Erroneous Zones” audio on YouTube on the way to work. Reading motivational material and saying affirmations and asking for assistance from the infinite source and infinite part of me. Who knows how bad it would have got if I hadn’t done this but at the same time I was not minding my language and to the extend I was feeling sick with anxiety by Thursday afternoon.
Despite this I had asked the Universe for help with some topics and instinct said do this, this and this and the task I had to complete for that day went perfectly. One down only one to go. Well actually I am not giving myself credit because I was achieving tasks all the time and the fog was beginning to clear but all this really started to spiral the previous week when I missed a deadline and read an email a certain way and I let self-doubt begin to fester.
I wish it could be 6 months time and I had more knowledge, I wish I had the knowledge and experience of my peers, they are so much better than me. Why is it that I am working and working and keep running out of time? What am I doing wrong? I must be really crap at this? I’ve never failed in a role before, I wish I could win the lottery so I don’t have to be accountable to a boss, I wish I was self-employed so I could be my own boss. Welcome to my pity party.
On Monday I had found an invitation to a 121 with my boss for the Friday PM and immediately felt it was to berate me for my poor performance on the missed deadline completely forgetting the fact that this has been the most loving, fantastic supportive, motivational boss I have ever had and always felt inspired and energised after speaking to them. I wasn’t minding my language and letting self-doubt win and comparing myself to everybody else so no I couldn’t recall all these facts or previous interactions.
The reality was – none of the stuff I had imagined happened. None of the stuff I expected to get raised got raised and all the things that happened in our previous interactions happened and then some and there were reasons for the 121 that were completely unrelated and one of the main reasons was that my bosses boss who was the other person who interviewed me as well as my boss was concerned about a comment I had made that showed I had doubt in myself and they wanted to check I was OK and reassure me that I was OK and I knew this stuff and reminded me off all the things that I bring to the party that my peers who have been in the job longer don’t have and what an asset I am.
That’s not the perfect moment (even though it was pretty awesome). The prefect moment came after listening to the video I am going post below.
I was stood in my kitchen area in my partially completed house looking at the chaos that I usually hate with a coffee in my hand, wearing my partners dressing gown (not sexy at all but warmer than mine) not-self employed, not a millionaire blogger but it is OK. This is exactly where I am supposed to be at this point of time, I’m ok and things are working out perfectly.
As the video shows I am not alone in my recent feelings, sadly not even close to being alone but thankfully these days we have our Online Family with the right language to bring us back on track.