This is not my normal LOA post, this fell out of me on my Evernote page this morning when instinct told me to write down something I called the Procreation Myth that came back to me before I forgot it and then after it all fell out of me instinct said blog it so here I am laying myself raw:

All along growing up I had a feeling inside that I wasn’t like everyone else around me. I didn’t want to get married and have babies. I wanted a career. I wanted independence. I wanted to work in London, buy my own home, on my own. I wanted t travel alone and I was pretty determined that would be the case and visualised myself power dressed, carrying a portfolio and returning to my one bedroom contemporary apartment and planned to go to college and then University.

Life gave me crossroads and threw up other options because I wasn’t aware at the time I was throwing thoughts out there and wasn’t aware of the power of my own thoughts and how they brought those crossroads to my door and gradually somewhere inside of all of that the Procreation Myth was whispering in my ear and lack of confidence in myself and the need to please I allowed myself to put my authenticity to one side, my voice, my desires, my dreams and goals and here I was despite so much wanting a different vision. Unhappily married with 3 children that I loved and hated at the same time.

It is important to say that I didn’t hate them for a second as individuals and now I have written it I didn’t hate them at all I hated myself for being someone I planned so hard not to be. A mother. I was probably berating myself without even hearing it but what I was probably saying to myself when I found being a mother sooooooooo hard was “You idiot, how did you get here? This is not what you planned stupid”

I heard people saying how fulfilling being a mother was and how joyous their children were and this only added to my inner turmoil because this led to more self loathing. “You’re right, you shouldn’t have not been a mother, how did you let yourself get here? You suck at this. You should have never let this happen, they are happy because that is what they were meant to be, you’re struggling because it wasn’t the plan and it wasn’t a plan for you for a reason. It was a message to stop you having kids because you suck at it and you were designed for something else but you failed and you bought in to the procreation myth.

The Procreation Myth is as I see it written below:

It is not until you get married you realise to didn’t need too

It is not until you have babies you realise you didn’t need them

I wrote the procreation myth late one night whilst I was alone. Which was pretty much all the time, while my husband was away and the kids were in bed and in a way writing it was a relief. It was an acknowledgement that yes we don’t need too but most of us don’t question it.

I wrote that over 20 years ago and two things have changed since then and actually one as I write these words.

I am so grateful I live in this time and I express my gratitude almost everyday. So much has changed in that 20 years where evolution is concerned and the equality in the world. To some it may not appear that way but if we stop to analyse the evidence not just in the area of being a women but so many people are free to express themselves as who they truly are and the ability to be their authentic selves on the public forum instead of a stilted silent wish inside their heads and the evidence is also there almost daily if we look for it as teenage women in oppressed counties stand up and say I want an education, I don’t want to marry that person, I don’t want to be mutilated because of some archaic belief that is not relevant, I love this person and actually I do want to marry them and have children with them even if they are the same-sex as me and more and more each day in more and more places that is being accepted as the norm and more and more each day in more and more places that will become the norm as we become more aware.

Awareness is a magnificent gift, rather than blind acceptance and what I have become aware of as I write these words that are just flowing through me is that maybe something at a higher vibration than my physical presence was guiding me along in to the procreation myth because whilst it was hard at the time I cannot think of anything more joyous than my children and my now grandchildren and if I hadn’t struggled in my now long dead marriage or struggled with motherhood I wouldn’t be reaping the harvest now – as my Dearest now departed Wayne Dyer so eloquently pointed out in his book “I Can See Clearly Now”.

Travelling back from somewhere yesterday I listened to Les Brown say when you step up it will be hard. It won’t be easy. Easy is staying where you are. Hard is changing that habit. Hard is stepping out of your comfort zone but it will be worth it.

We truly live in an age where nothing is impossible and everything is ‘Possible’ so go forth and live your authenticity loud and proud and if and when those saboteurs start speaking to you like mine did above we have sooooooooo many tools available to us at the touch of a button to help us to break those habits and break out of our comfort zones and find new ways of living.

Here’s to an even better, more aware future.